Yes ok, I fucked up.

I have come to a conclusion over the last few months when I have had a lot of time to think, particularly when I have been lying in a hammock, or a sun lounger in Asia. I have concluded that I have fucked up. When I first went to university back in 2006, at DMU I was immature, and some may say I am still immature now. I should have worked harder, I should have dedicated myself to the course, but I didn't, so I failed, then I tried again, and was kicked out. Seriously, at that point I perhaps should have given up and got a job. But I didn't, I took the rest of the year out, and applied for 6 more university positions through UCAS, and got all 6 places, unconditionally. Which was nice.

So I chose Coventry, went to Coventry. Pretty much spent my entire first year in my boxers in my room, playing computer games and watching TV, occasionally doing a spot of coursework. I would venture out when Gavin or Robert would knock on my door and tell me I should get some sunlight. This does sound a little bit like a bit of a geek story, but not so much, I am perhaps exaggerating about the about the time I spent in my room. At the weekends I would go home to my then fiance, and spend the weekends working security at a nightclub in Newmarket, then back up to Coventry for the week where I would vaguely study. I passed my first year, with a good pass of 70% for the year, quite a good precident;

perhaps where I went wrong as complacency might have taken over. My second year at Coventry was spent working a bit harder, not by much, and I did attempt to go to the majority of lectures and do all the work required, but I just didn't have my heart in it. I was too interested in working, to earn money and to actually have money in my back pocket, the whole point of this whole education experience!

I failed my second year, not by much, but by a bit, but due to a particularly fun breakup I managed to get extenuating circumstances, and thus was allowed to defer my year, and essentially write off that second year, repeating the second year (for my third year at Coventry) and scraping a pass at my second second year. So here i am in my third year, at least, I should have finished by now, my friends all getting 2:1's and other fantastic grades, a few firsts, nobody seems to have reported a 2:2. I am going to be lucky to get a 3 class degree.

This is what it has come down to, my whole education experience, I have two pieces of work due in on friday, and an exam on the 22nd, the exam I am not worried about, the two pieces of work due on friday, there is mild worry. But the amount of stress I am under right now is seriously causing me to be down, more down than I have ever been before.

I think one of the major catalysts to this feeling of total self unworthyness, pointlessness and a total feeling that whats the point of me, where am I going, what is my direction, is due to a particular person that plays a very strong role in my life constantly putting me down and making me feel crap.

Lets put things into perspective a bit, in-front of some guests said person just said "You shouldn't have bought that car, you don't even have a job" if we take me, and said person, and my situation out of the equation and break down what was just said, its ridiculous;

I have 2 jobs!! One of which is full time (garden furniture sales & logistics) and the other which is part time, but I work it as much as i can (3d events). To any normal person, to any normal perspective I work bloody hard! but no, I get called a lazy slug! I actually got called that! The perspective that because I am not working the kind of job that is to a required type, a lawyer, a doctor, a banker or something that can be bragged to friends. I am thick,lazy and worthless. Maybe said person is right? Maybe I am utterly crap and am wasting my life. I used to think I was a really hard worker, when it comes to jobs and earning money, and that I am just lazy when it comes to academics, "I am not thick, I am just lazy, I just don't try" is what I would tell my friends.

All this time to reflect, maybe I am wrong? Maybe I am thick. I must be thick. Otherwise by now, I should have a degree. I truly believe a degree is not be all and end all, but to certain people it is. Understandably, as some people have invested a large amount of money in my education. But the education I have recieved has sunk in, I have listened, I have learnt, I just might not come out with a degree at the end, I bloody hope I will. I am buckling down these few weeks, my final run, my final chance to sort it out.

My life has come to a point, for the first time where I have absolutely no direction, no obvious next step, or next decision to make. I have no idea what now. That scares the shit out of me. I want to do something with my life, but what?

 - Richard

I hate the stars because I look at the same ones as you do, without you.